For those of you who may follow me on Twitter, you will know that earlier this week I had an appointment arranged to see my psychologist. We had only organised it late last week, as he is kind enough to see me as and when and at short notice, when he can, whilst I’m waiting for my GP to write another referral letter so that I can be seen by a more specialist mental health team for some longer term support. Anyway, it turns out he had accidently doubled booked himself and so I had a bit of a wait for nothing on Monday. (I did have a thought as soon as I had sat down, after much deliberation on what chair to sit in, that I had sat in the wrong chair and that he wouldn’t turn up because of this).
We rearranged the chat for today and I made sure I remained standing in the waiting room, so I didn’t have the wrong chair dilemma this time. So he came and got me and took me into what looked like a group therapy room, it was fairly large, with musical instruments, several chairs, a big drinks urn and a few used cups with splashes of drink all over the little table they were sitting on. I headed for the chair furthest to the left (as I always like to have things either even or ‘Lucy on the left’).
He was full of apologies for missing the chat we had scheduled for Monday. Today it took me a while to get going on what I felt like I needed to talk about, but my psychologist is so patient and knows how to draw out what the problem is.
I won’t go into detail of the discussion, but needless to say that when I told him a couple of things that are bothering me, and the fact that they are bothering me is making me feel like a nasty person for thinking bad thoughts. He didn’t judge me or dismiss the feelings I was describing. He listened and told me that my feelings were valid and that he understands what I was telling him. He told me that in some ways I am still 5 year old me, secondary school me and 17-21 year old me. He told me I keep these things bottled up inside of me in case I am dismissed, not believed or thought of as an attention seeking trouble maker. He has a point, I have stuff that I have held on to from the past, stuff that I desperately want to get out of my head as it is clouding my views, feelings and opinions even now and I torture myself for feeling this way.
He has set me a task before we next meet. I’m to write a letter, a letter that will not be sent, but that I will read out to him next time. It’s to be addressed to certain people that have had a detrimental impact on my life through their actions. The aim will be for me to express those emotions that have been bottled up for so many years and also for my psychologist to discuss with me if he feels my issues with certain people are valid and that is why I have the insecurities and issues that I struggle with today.
I’m exhausted from the emotional upheaval of talking about things that make me uncomfortable, but I do want them to be gone from my head so that I can focus on my recovery and deal with current situations in a more healthy and proactive way.
I hope you understand this Lil bit of a ramble, sometimes I go into too much detail about everyday issues that I struggle with, other times I will not say a word. Bpd wears me out and I think I might explode one day.
The theory is that writing my letters will be a great way of expressing myself, which I guess should have addressed years ago, but I need to do this so I can try and move on.
Have any of you felt similar about bottling up emotions from the past, good or bad, I’d love to hear how you cope.